Warriors Driving Lessons
by EspeonSilverfire2
Summary: What will happen when the Thunderclan cats learn to drive? Well, it's up to Millie to teach them in a stolen car, with a wristwatch and a battered copy of the highway code. What chaos will ensue? Who knows! Now complete! R&R if you want a sequel!
1. Firestar's lesson

_A/N- This is the first part of my funny series on Thunderclan learning to drive. I hope you find it funny and it will get better. R&R!_

_Disclaimer- I do not own warriors but the monster in the story is based on my dad's._

**WARRIORS DRIVING LESSONS**

Millie sighed. She still couldn't believe what had been decided at the gathering three nights before. And what had happened since.

The leaders of the four clans had decided that they must move into the modern age. And, in order to learn Thunderpath safety, they would have to learn to drive monsters.

Since Millie had been a kittypet previously, and had therefore been in monsters, she was qualified to teach them.

She looked down at her clipboard. On it was pinned a list of cats who had signed up for lessons after the gathering, and a battered copy of the highway code that Hollypaw had found in an abandoned monster. They had also taken the monster too.

The monster was red, and on the front it had a symbol saying 'V', on the back was written the word 'Volvo'. Reading twoleg writing was part of the 'modern age' stuff too.

Millie had devised a practice course through the forest. She had drawn some signs to warn cats of what was coming. She had found these in the highway code book. Millie sniggered. She had made some signs of her own too.

She flipped through the notes on her clipboard until she found the one she wanted. She had written out the training course that they had to learn. It went as follows:

_1) Starting the car._

_2) Learning the gears and the clutch._

_3) Braking._

_4) Parking._

_5) REVERSE PARKING. __- watch out, they may have problems. Note to self- ask Hollypaw to find a twoleg crash helmet._

_6) Hill starts. __- will be using Windclan territory for this_

_7) EMERGENCY STOPS. - __this could be dangerous too. DO NOT DO NEAR LAKE!_

_8) Reversing. - __maybe this should come before reverse parking?_

_9) Road signs._

Millie sighed and looked down at the watch that Hollypaw had found. Actually, she had found a whole bag full and now every cat in Thunderclan had one. Telling the time was part of the new 'modern age' regime as well.

Firestar was due for his lesson now. He would be learning braking today. He had started his lessons the day after the gathering.

Millie groaned. Firestar had already taken down half the forest because he had learned to start the monster, but he did not yet know how to brake. That would have to be amended in the course.

Firestar finally arrived and Millie greeted him. They went out to the monster. Millie jumped and opened the door, and the two cats leapt inside.

"Now," said Millie, "The middle pedal is the brake. You take your paw off the accelerator and push down on the brake to stop the monster or slow down. Okay?"

Firestar nodded and shuffled into the driving seat. A manic grin was spread across his face as he grabbed hold of the steering wheel. He turned the key, raised the handbrake, put the monster into 1st gear and slammed down on the accelerator.

"Wait!" cried Millie as she was flung over her seat and into the back of the monster. "You forgot to put your seatbelt on!"


	2. Dustpelt's lesson

_Author's Note- Now it's time for Dustpelt's lesson at 3pm! But what's this? Has he been on catnip!?_

_Special thank you to __**dragroar **__for giving such a positive review to my last one-shot, When Firestar Got Bored, I suggest you read it too._

_Disclaimer- Yeah, I don't own warriors, the highway code, or Volvo, but my dad owns a red Volvo called Nemo. WOO GO NEMO! _

_Disclaimer 2- I don't own Finding Nemo either._

_Disclaimer 3- I don't own Red Dwarf as well, but if you're a fan, see if you can spot the quote in the story._

**DUSTPELT'S LESSON**

Millie smiled. It was almost 3pm and time for Dustpelt's first lesson. Dustpelt was a sensible cat. She had only just recovered from Firestar's lesson an hour before. There had almost been a big crash. She shuddered at thinking about it. Thank goodness for airbags.

Dustpelt was walking over to her. It was only then that she noticed something a bit odd about him. He was wandering all over the camp en-route to her and his eyes had a dazed expression. Suddenly he gave a cry of,

"Whoop! Whoop! I'm Mr. Teapot!" and raced over and into the monster. Millie cried out and lunged after him, only just managing to grab onto the door handle before he'd slammed his foot onto the accelerator and set the monster speeding off through the forest.

Millie cursed. Firestar must have forgotten to put the handbrake back on and switch the engine off.

Drat! Why had she had to make an emergency toilet brake and leave their leader to park on his own?!

Millie was just able to peer through the side window and saw that Dustpelt was pressing every button on the dashboard. Suddenly, the window came down when he pressed a button on the driver's door. Millie took the opportunity and scrambled inside. Her tail only just made it before he shut the window again.

"STOP! THE! MONSTER!" she panted, trying to scream.

Dustpelt merely looked at her and meowed,

"Whoops? Where's my thribble?!"

Millie had lost her patience. She growled and smacked him round the face. Then, when he just said…

"I'll have a haddock please!"

…she kicked him into the door and grabbed the wheel. She swerved to avoid a tree and then slammed her foot on the brake. Dustpelt flew through the monster and splatted onto the back window. Millie winced. He would have to see Leafpool later. The monster had slowed and Millie safely drove it back to the clearing near the camp where it was kept.

She got out of her seat and peeled Dustpelt off the window. He groaned and meowed,

"I'm sorry Mrs Trumpet. I didn't mean to do the Macarena!"

Millie gritted her teeth and dragged him back to camp. Remembering to switch off the engine and put on the handbrake as she left.

She would be having serious words with him when he came off the catnip. She had recognized the symptoms.

It was then that Millie looked at her watch and groaned. Next up was Cinderpaw!


	3. Cinderpaw's Lesson

_A/N- This is the third installment of warriors driving lessons! Now it's Cinderpaw's turn, and I don't think Millie's looking forwards to it._

_Millie: No I'm not, in fact, as I said to Cinderpaw…_

_Me: Shut up! Just let them read it for themselves!_

_Millie: Sorry._

_Me: Good. Now, here's a ball of string._

_Millie: Hooray! –chases ball of string-_

_Disclaimer- I don't own warriors, or anything to do with this, except the idea of the story. But let's just get on with the story, eh?_

**Cinderpaw's Lesson**

Millie groaned as Cinderpaw bounded over towards her.

"Teach me! Teach me!" yelled the grey tabby.

"Okay! Okay!" Millie replied.

Millie led Cinderpaw over to the monster.

"I'm not looking forwards to this, y'know, so you'd better be on your best behaviour!" warned Millie.

Cinderpaw nodded enthusiastically. Millie nodded in return and opened the door for the apprentice. Cinderpaw slid inside and into the driver's seat, fastening her seatbelt. Millie sat in the passenger seat and closed the door. She fastened her seatbelt and meowed,

"Now, take it slowly. Start the monster and drive along the Clan Thunderpath at about 20mph, okay?"

Cinderpaw nodded again and turned the ignition key. She pulled up the handbrake and gently pressed on the accelerator. The monster moved forwards. Cinderpaw turned the steering wheel and drove the monster out onto the Clan Thunderpath.

Millie was beginning to relax now. After the stress of teaching Firestar and, she shuddered, Dustpelt, Cinderpaw's lesson was a welcome break.

Suddenly, the two cats noticed a badger on the route, several foxlengths ahead of them. Millie saw a mysterious look in Cinderpaw's eyes, something that was more knowledgeable and angry.

Suddenly, Cinderpaw slammed her paw down hard on the accelerator and the monster lurched forwards. Millie glanced at the speedometer. It was now reading 70mph! She looked out of the side window, it was all a blur.

All of a sudden, the monster lurched and Millie saw a black and white shape thud against the windscreen.

"Holy Starclan!" she cried, "What have you done?"

Millie glanced across at Cinderpaw. For a second her eyes burned with the same fierce intensity as before, but almost as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone.

Millie gave a sigh and ordered Cinderpaw to return the monster to the clearing.

As they parked and got out, Millie thought,

_Well, I suppose at least we don't have to report the badger._

_A/N- I know this one isn't as funny but the next one will be better. Promise._


	4. Hollypaw's Lesson

**A BIG THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE WHO HAS REVIEWED MY WORK- IT MEANS SO MUCH!**

_A/N- It's a new day for Millie- Thunderclan's driving instructor! But how will she deal with the OOC Hollypaw?_

_A/N2- If your'e american- mobile phone is cell phone._

_Disclaimer- I don't own warriors, or RAZRs or Bluetooth or About You Now or Heat magazine, okay?_

**HOLLYPAW'S LESSON**

It was a new day. Millie had woken up and just eaten a mouse. She had a lesson in… she looked at her watch…. 1 hour. So, in the meantime, she had decided to compile some 'Rules Of The Thunderpath'. She had a new piece of paper pinned to her clipboard and, with a pen Hollypaw had 'found', she was writing them out.

_Always wear a seatbelt._

_Absolutely NO CATNIP!_

_Maximum speed 30mph._

_Do not drive over other animals- even badgers!_

Millie was content with the rules, even though it meant, she shuddered, more lessons. However, she would have to get them agreed with the clan leaders at the next gathering.

Millie glanced at her watch again. 30 minutes before her lesson with Hollypaw. Just enough time to go get some poppy seeds from Leafpool. She had recently developed a stress related nervous twitch. Millie sarcastically thought, _I can't think why._

Millie trotted over to Leafpool's den and went inside. Leafpool smiled at her as she came in.

"Here are your poppy seeds," said the medicine cat, "My lessons after the next one, isn't it? Second lesson of today?"

Millie nodded and ate the seeds. The slight twitch of her right ear gradually receded.

Hollypaw was sat in the monster, seatbelt on, with Millie sat next to her, also seatbelted up. Hollypaw started the engine and drove the car out onto the Thunderpath. When she was driving comfortably, she began to chatter.

"So, I said to Lionpaw, you can't, like, see Heatherpaw, and he was like, 'yeah, well, I can!' and I was like, no y'see, y'know. So later, I says to Honeypaw, I says, he can't like, see Heatherpaw and I'm gonna batter him if he does, y'know, innit?"

Millie was groaning. Hollypaw continued like this for the next 10 minutes of their drive. Millie was almost at the end of her tether when,

"…_now I know, how I feel, about you now…"_

"Oh, sorry! Innit!" Hollypaw meowed, then she pulled a hot pink RAZR out of the glove box. "I must've left it here like, overnight, y'know."

Millie sighed. Hollypaw just talked.

"Oh hi Berrypaw! Yeah, it's Hollypaw, yeah. You have got the right number, yeah. You're just ringin' to ask if I can Bluetooth you that song I've got for ma ringtone? Yeah sure. Kk! Yeah, I'm just out drivin' righ' now. Yeah, with Millie."

She leaned over to Millie and said,

"By the way, Berrypaw sez hi."

Hollypaw leaned back and continued to chat. Millie just prayed they wouldn't crash. Hollypaw used to be normal, until the cats had got hold of mobile phones and Heat magazine, that is. Now she just like many of the apprentices, all she could do was talk and gossip. Just like Millie had seen many older twoleg kits do.

"Yeah, and I like, sed to Honeypaw,… no way?! In Leopardstar's den! Berrypaw, you have got to be kiddin' me, innit? S'true?! No way! With a vole?! No way! I can't belive I miss'd it! How could Jaypaw hav' dun that?! Yeah, I know! Anywaz, got ta go. I hav' to ring Honeypaw an' tell 'er 'bout this, y'know. Byez!"

Hollypaw looked down and dialed a number. Just then, Millie noticed they were heading for a tree. She dived at the steering wheel and succeeded in swerving the car back onto the Thunderpath. She sighed. Her stress related twitch came back.

After the lesson, Millie went to Leafpool's den and grabbed a doubled dose of poppy seeds. As Leafpool prepared for her lesson, Millie went over to the warriors den and retrieved her clipboard from her nest. On it she wrote,

_5) No mobile phones while driving!_


	5. Leafpool's Lesson

_A/N- Now it's the turn of Leafpool. Apparently, Millie is welcoming the break._

_Millie: Yes! Thank Starclan! I am!_

_Me: Millie! What did I tell you about interrupting my Author's Notes?!_

_Millie: Sorry…_

_Disclaimer: No I don't own warriors, Erin Hunter does. And I'm not them so there. Boo hoo._

**LEAFPOOL'S LESSON**

"I just want to be careful! I don't want to run over any of my healing plants!"

Millie groaned. Leafpool was driving at 2mph, and she wouldn't speed up. Suddenly, she said,

"Oh hang on a moment! Is that burdock root? I must get some!"

Leafpool parked the monster and got out to get the herb.

Millie groaned again. This was the 20th time she'd stopped. Millie had been keeping count. It was something to do. She'd already had to get out her silver mobile phone to ring Ashfur to cancel his lesson, and at this rate, she might have to cancel Brambleclaw's too. Leafpool returned and put the burdock root in the back seat. The seat was beginning to look just like the forest outside. Millie hated it.

"Can't we just _please_ go a bit faster?" she asked. She was _so_ bored.

"What? And risk running over a medicinal plant? Or prey? No way!"

Millie was getting frustrated. Sometimes, Leafpool could be _too_ kind.

Suddenly, Leafpool spotted a bird sitting in a bush up ahead. The monster ground to a halt.

"What did you do that for?!" Millie snapped. "We can just drive past it!"

"What?! And scare the poor thing to death! No way!"

"Just toot the horn then!"

"But that would scare it too!"

Millie ground her teeth. She knew she would snap any minute. She looked at her watch.

"Look, we can't wait. We've already spent an hour and a half driving. I've had to cancel Ashfur's lesson already, and if we waste any more time I will have to cancel Brambleclaw's so get a move on, okay?!"

Leafpool looked shocked, then angry. Then she put her paw on the accelerator pedal and the car pulled away. They drove past the bird which chirruped and flew away. They were only moving at 3mph.

Suddenly, they slowed down to 1mph. Millie looked up and meowed,

"What's going on?"

"There's a tree root coming up. I need to slow down."

They went over the root. Slowly. Very slowly.

An hour later, they returned to camp. Millie _had_ had to cancel Brambleclaw's lesson. The Thunderclan deputy was very angry about it. So was Ashfur about his cancellation. Actually, it was probably the only thing they were in the same mind about.

Millie looked down at her watch. She had just had to explain to Firestar about the cancellations. She had 15 minutes until the next lesson.

Millie nearly fainted with dread.

The next lesson was Jaypaw's.


	6. Jaypaw's Lesson

_A/N- Prepare to be shaking with laughter, it's the next installment of Warriors Driving Lessons! And now…Jaypaw wants to learn!_

_A/N2- Warning- lots of dialogue ahead! Oh and I tried to put symbols for the happy face but it wont let me, sorry._

_Disclaimer- I don't own warriors & I've just borrowed the characters. I'll return them when my mates stop hitting them and give them back_

–_looks over at friends-_

_Oi! You lot! Stop it okay?! Don't make me go over there! Now give Firestar back!_

–_friends look glum & hand over Firestar-_

_Good. Now have a lollipop._

_-friends eyes widen with glee-_

_Now, let's get on with the story!_

**Jaypaw's Lesson**

This was it, the lesson Millie had been dreading. She watched as Jaypaw finished talking with Hollypaw and walked over. His face had a warning look on it. Millie shuddered, glad he couldn't see the look of trepidation on her face. He stopped a foxlength away from her and meowed,

"Now, don't treat me like a kit, okay?"

"Don't worry, I won't." replied Millie.

Jaypaw nodded and said,

"Can I learn the road signs first?"

Millie looked puzzled.

"But you can't see them!"

Jaypaw just gave her a look that said, _Duh?_

"I have to learn them anyway." he replied.

Millie just sighed and said,

"Okay then here we go."

She opened up her highway code book and said,

"What does this mean? It's a sign that has 20 written on it."

"Maximum speed limit 20 mph." replied Jaypaw, "Obviously."

"Good." meowed Millie, "So what's this one? It says STOP on it."

Jaypaw merely gave her an exasperated look.

"Stop. That's so obvious it's like a mouse running up to you, jumping into your mouth and yelling 'Eat me!'."

Millie sighed and turned the page on her clipboard.

"Okay, how about this? It says **LOL**."

"LOL? That's not a proper road sign!"

"Yes but you'll have to know it. I've had to put it up along our practice track. It means- 'Look Out- Lake!'."

This time, it was Jaypaw who sighed.

"Alright. So what's the next one?"

Millie turned the page again.

"Next one is, **ROFL**. We'll probably only have to put this up after lightning."

Jaypaw's face looked blank.

"Fine then. It means- 'Road On Fire- Leave!'."

Jaypaw groaned.

"So what incredibly stupid sign is next?"

Millie gave him a stern look and meowed,

"Next up is the symbol with the colon and bracket that Hollypaw uses in all her texts, remember?"

"Oh. The happy face."

"Yep."

"Well I haven't got a clue what you've made it mean."

"Fine. I'll tell you. Again. It means- 'Bend around two trees ahead'."

Jaypaw slapped his forehead and groaned. Millie ignored it and continued,

"The next one is the one with the colon, a dash and then the bracket. The other one that Hollypaw uses."

Jaypaw nodded but didn't say anything. After a moment, Millie sighed and said,

"Well that means- 'Bend around two trees and a bench ahead'."

Jaypaw unsheathed his claws and dug them into the ground. Millie simply carried on, desperate to get through these and onto the driving quickly. But then, on second thoughts, maybe not.

"Well, the penultimate one is-"

"What does _penultimate_ mean?"

"It means second-to-last."

"Well that's just stupid."

"Shut up."

"No."

"Anyway. The PENULTIMATE road sign is **BTW**. Any idea what it means?"

Jaypaw gave her a sneering look and replied,

"I know this one. Cinderpaw told me. She saw it during her driving lesson. It means Badgers To Whack."

Millie nodded, surprised.

"That's right! Now, last one. It says **OMG**."

"Well, OMS would be Oh My Starclan, but I haven't got any ideas about this one."

"At least you're trying. It means 'Orrible Muddy Ground'."

Jaypaw burst out laughing.

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

Millie lost her patience. She grabbed him by the tail and dragged him to the monster. She opened the door and flung him inside, strapping him into the driver's seat.

"Now drive!" she ordered.

Jaypaw was sick of this. He decided to get his own back. He felt for the ignition key and, when he found it, turned it. He the slammed his foot on the accelerator pedal and, because he couldn't see, went careering off into the undergrowth.

Millie was once again flung onto the back seat. When she finally got back to the front, she yelled,

"You're going the wrong way!"

"I can't see, duh?"

"Turn around!"

"No!"

Millie screamed as they headed for a tree. There was a loud THUD! as they drove past it, losing the wing mirror on one side. Jaypaw sped over a tree root at 120mph and the monster flew into the air. It hit the ground again with a thud that sent Millie flying up into the roof. She dropped again like a stone.

She finally climbed back into the seat and looked up again in time to see them drive past a sign reading **LOL**.

Millie screamed again.

The monster sped over a boulder and, with an almighty SPLASH!, finished up in the lake.

"You are NEVER driving again!" yelled Millie.

They finally recovered the monster two days later. It then took Stormfur three weeks to fix it back to working order. Millie had been very pleased. Three weeks of only theory lessons.

Bliss.

_A/N- The next learner driver is…-drum roll-… duh duh duh duh! Greystripe!_


	7. Greystripe's Lesson

_A/N- Okay, I know I've spelt Greystripe with an 'e', but that's the English spelling and I'm English, so that's how I spell it. Oh, and please review!_

_Disclaimer- I don't own nothing me. Not warriors, nor Bob the Builder, nor Grease._

**  
Greystripe's Lesson**

"Hello, Greystripe." Millie grinned. She was sort of looking forwards to this lesson. Partly because it meant some time alone with Greystripe, but also partly because this actually looked like it was going to be a relatively sensible lesson. Stormfur the Thunderclan mechanic had fixed the monster expertly. It was almost as good as new. Of course, the downside was that the whole clan had been forced to listen to the Bob The Builder theme tune for the entire time he was working on it. By the end of it, everyone, from Firestar down to the current kits, were sick of hearing, 'Can he fix it?' and Stormfur yelling in reply,

"Yes he can!"

Greystripe and Millie walked over to the monster. Millie had left her clipboard back in camp, she wouldn't need it, she had reasoned, Greystripe knew all the theory and he was a mature and sensible cat. That was why Millie liked him.

Greystripe got into the monster, fastened his seatbelt, then waited until Millie was ready. When she was fastened in and comfortable, Greystripe began the engine and drove out into the forest.

A couple of minutes into the drive, Millie realized something was wrong. Greystripe had rolled down the window to let some fresh air in, but he was now resting one arm on it, driving with one hand. He had also complained of sun glare, and had then put on a baseball cap and a pair of, what Millie thought appeared to be, designer sunglasses. Greystripe had also taken the opportunity to put a heavy gold medallion around his neck.

"This is boring," complained Greystripe, "I'm switching on the stereo."

So he did. On full volume. On some heavy rock music. Millie had to cover her ears.

"CAN'T YOU TURN IT DOWN A BIT?!" she yelled.

"Nah, babe. Who'd wanna turn this down?" Greystripe replied.

Suddenly, he saw Squirrelflight and Whitewing standing by the side of the road. He pulled the monster over, tooted the horn, and leaned out the window.

"Are you babes looking for a gorgeous hunk of fur in your life?" he asked in a cool voice.

The she-cats giggled. Millie looked cross. She slapped Greystripe round the head and turned down the stereo.

"Keep driving, mate, if you know what's good for you!"

Greystripe looked hurt but pulled off and kept driving. However, as soon as he caught sight of Sandstorm standing by the roadside, along with Firestar, he stopped again.

"Hey, Sandy, ya wanna take a ride in my Greased Lightning?"

Sandstorm took one look across at Firestar, then ran over, pushed Millie out of the passenger seat and onto the ground, with a cry of, "Move it, mousedung!" and drove off with Greystripe.

Millie looked very cross, and dusty. Firestar was just staring at the disappearing monster with his mouth hanging open. Millie pushed his jaw shut and dragged him back to camp.


	8. The Great InterClan Rally Tournament

_Yes, this is the chapter you've been waiting for! Sorry it's been so long, first my internet connection went dead (stupid electric company cutting the cables!) and then i had writer's block, but now it's here! Woo!_

_Disclaimer- No, i don't own... let me see -counts on fingers- : Warriors, Volvo, Scrapheap Challange, Top Gear, Citroen, Porsche, Mazda or Wagner. Yep... i think that's all of 'em._

**The Great Inter-Clan Rally Tournament**

This was it, the day of the Great Inter-Clan Rally Tournament. With the driving instructors from each clan confirming the adequate ability of their drivers, the competition was ready to take place. The driving instructors from each clan would be their team's coach and organizer. They were Millie from Thunderclan, Tawnypelt from Shadowclan, Mistyfoot from Riverclan and Crowfeather from Windclan. All the clans except Thunderclan agreed Thunderclan had an unfair advantage, claiming they were full of kittypets and therefore, had more qualified drivers. Thunderclan just ignored them.

The tournament had four stages. The first was a straight forward rally. The chosen driver from each team had to drive their monster around a course which passed through all four different territories. The next was a time trial, driving around the edge of the lake in the fastest time possible, one clan at a time. The third contest was a hill climb in Windclan territory. The final contest would be the most difficult.

Each clan's mechanic (Stormfur for Thunderclan, Rowanclaw for Shadowclan, Leopardstar for Riverclan (all the cats had been shocked about this) and Gorsetail for Windclan) would have until sunhigh to rebuild each clans monster so it would travel through water, across the lake. To help them, Hollypaw had sneaked into (well, broken into, actually, but I was trying not to make it look too bad) some twoleg nests and nicked a couple of TV's. For the past week, the clans' mechanics had been watching old re-runs of Scrapheap Challenge and Top Gear to help them learn how to do the difficult challenge ahead.

Once the aquatic monsters had been built, a driver from each clan would attempt to drive their monster across the lake. First one to reach the other side won.

It was time for the first challenge, and Millie was worried. It was the rally across all four territories, and she had chosen Firestar to be the driver. She had picked him because he was fast and determined, and definitely _did not_ try to pick up she-cats. She still hadn't forgiven Greystripe for that.

Millie strapped Firestar into the monster, she wasn't taking any chances. She leaned over and drove the monster to the start line for him, just to be on the safe side.

When all four clan's monsters were on the start line, the mechanics had five minutes to make any final adjustments.

Thunderclan's red Volvo had a turbo charger installed by Stormfur; Riverclan's Citroën Xara Picasso- in metallic blue- had off-road tyres put on; Shadowclan's obviously stolen black Porsche 911 had a _very_ large rear spoiler added; and Windclan's Mazda MX-5 Roadster Coupe had 'go-faster' stripes painted down the sides.

However, there was also sabotage going on. Blackstar, who was driving for Shadowclan, put sand in Thunderclan's fuel tank. At the same time, Stormfur sneaked over to the black Porsche and permanently set the radio to Classic FM, currently running a complete performance of Wagner's Ring. Leopardstar painted pink bunnies all over the seats of Windclan's Citroën, and in return (although they didn't know they too had been sabotaged), Onestar, driving for Windclan, punctured Riverclan's tyres.

When they'd finished modifying (and sabotaging) their monsters, Midnight the badger, who they'd invited to be the adjudicator, waved a (stolen) chequered flag and the race began. The starting line was on the Thunderclan/Shadowclan border, and it was in Shadowclan territory that the first casualty occurred.

Blackstar was so irritated by the Wagner music that he was desperately fiddling with the radio to try to turn it off.

"Stupid music! I'll rip the fur off whoever's done this!"

All of a sudden, a tree loomed up ahead and Blackstar, completely oblivious to this impending disaster, smashed the Porsche straight into it. When he eventually crawled out of the wreckage, the engine was dead, but the music was still playing.

The howls continued on into the night…

Firestar was laughing his head off at the fate of Blackstar all the way into Riverclan territory. He was speeding along at 50mph and being jolted almost out of his skin, when all of a sudden he passed an OMG sign. Firestar was so busy laughing that he never noticed.

All of a sudden, his monster jerked to a halt and Firestar was stunned. He rolled down the window and leaned out, only to see that he was bogged down in mud. Firestar sighed, cut the engine and jumped out the monster. He pushed and pushed until the vehicle was out of the mud, then jumped back in. He turned the key in the ignition and waited for the engine to start.

It didn't.

What Firestar didn't know was that the sand Blackstar had put in the fuel had caused it to stop working, but up until that point had not reached the engine. But that's why it wouldn't start.

Firestar gave another sigh and proceeded to push the Volvo back to his camp.

Whizzing along at high speed, Mothwing, driving for Riverclan as her apprentice was taking care of any injuries that may occur, and Onestar were neck and neck. All of a sudden, along the lakeside, the punctures which had slowly been deflating Mothwing's tyres finally let them down enough to cause the Riverclan monster to go careering off into the lake.

Onestar was grinning as he sped along and into Thunderclan territory, the final stretch. The Windclan leader was so pleased that he pushed a button and folded the soft-top of his convertible down, to let the breeze ruffle his fur. He just hoped he wouldn't crash, as, unfortunately, the crash helmets they had on order had not yet arrived.

He sped along the forest floor, increasing his speed to 90mph. Suddenly, there was a loud bang and bits of rubber came flying up from the front right tyre. Onestar, however, didn't notice this as he was already upside down with his head embedded in the ground.

He lost another life.

Two days later the cats waiting at the finish line finally realised that no-one was coming and all went home for cappuccinos.

The next race was postponed until the monsters were mended.


	9. The InterClan Time Trials

_A/N- Yes it's the next chapter- my writer's block is gone! Hooray! And you get to have more of your favourite characters! Jaypaw! Hollypaw! Cinderpaw! Plus... Lionpaw and Heatherpaw with a melon! WOO HOO! Oh and thanks to all my reviewers- you make it all worthwhile!_

_Disclaimer- I don't own Warriors, Heroes, Friends, Porsche, Citroen, RAZR or the melon._

_Special note- this chapter contains **special guest appearances** by- Midnight the Badger, Berrypaw, Hollypaw's RAZR, Mothwing and... the melon!_

**The Great Inter-Clan Rally Tournament- Part II**

A week later and all the monsters had been fixed. The past week had been spent indulging in some now rather normal behaviour from each of the cats.

Hollypaw, when she had not been out stealing things, was chatting on her phone or watching TV (mostly Heroes and Friends).

Greystripe and Millie had spent the week in Marriage Guidance Counselling.

Leafpool had spent the time gathering herbs and arguing with Jaypaw.

Jaypaw had spent the time gathering herbs and arguing with Leafpool.

Cinderpaw had spent the week in an anti-social behaviour institution for going on a badger-killing rampage.

And finally, Firestar had spent two days pushing the monster back to camp, and then the rest of the week in physiotherapy because pushing the monster had done his back in.

--

Finally it was time for the time trials. Jaypaw was standing on the lake shore by Windclan territory, watching as Leafpool gave Cinderpaw, this challenge's driver, a final check-up.

"Now, don't go hunting any B.A.D.G.E.R's, okay? And take care. Our monster has good grip and steering but Shadowclan might try a few tricks. However, we have sabotaged their acceleration by shoving a rock under the pedal."

Cinderpaw nodded just as Jaypaw's sister approached him.

"Wassup? Jaypaw! Man, bro I gotta well good piece a hardware, innit? S'like a thing ya speak into and ure voice is gonna get projected across da whole lake and it's gonna be mash up! S'called a microphone and I thought ya could, like, y'know, do a commentary of wats goin' on in da race, innit!"

Jaypaw frowned at Hollypaw and was about to ask her how he could possibly do a commentary when he couldn't see, but at that moment Hollypaw's phone rang.

"Oh, hold up Jaypawz, s'ma BFF, Berrypawz. Yeah, hi Bezza, s' Hollz! Yeah, I know ya ma BFF, yeah, that's Best Friend Forever, y'know, innit! But wotcha rung me for? NO WAY!! Lionpaw did what?! With a melon?! I just gots ta see this mate! And Heatherz too? Oh man that is well cool! Yeah 'm on ma way! Yeah see ya, innit! Byez!"

Hollypaw snapped shut her pink RAZR and sped off into the bushes to see what Lionpaw and Heatherpaw had done with a melon.

Jaypaw looked bemused, but then went off to set up his microphone and try to do a commentary.

--

"And the monsters have lined up at the starting line!" Jaypaw's microphone boomed. He had Leafpool next to him to tell him what was going on. "And…they're off!"

The monsters sped off the starting line as Jaypaw commentated, Shadowclan's black Porsche going a lot slower.

The original plan had been to do the time trial one clan at a time, but since they'd been delayed by a week, they decided to speed things up by doing it all together, but staggered at the starting line, like in an Olympic running race.

"And now Shadowclan's Porsche has sped up, Blackstar has rolled down the window and is leaning out…he's lobbed a stone! And it's gone straight through the back window of Riverclan's Citroën!"

The Riverclan monster slowed down but was still whizzing round the lake shore, now entering Thunderclan territory.

All of a sudden, Leafpool dashed away from Jaypaw as she saw Hollypaw and Berrypaw returning with the melon-covered bodies of Lionpaw and Heatherpaw, leaving Jaypaw to make up the commentary as he went along.

"Um…all the monsters are doing well…"

He heard a smashing noise come from the lake shore.

"…and Windclan just brushed a tree…"

A terrible crunch was heard.

"…and that was Thunderclan smashing into the Porsche…"

A small scream came from a bird.

"…and Riverclan almost hit a thrush..."

The sound of classical music echoed across the territories.

"…and Blackstar just put on the radio…"

Another scream came.

"…and I think that radio must have been sabotaged! Blackstar will be in rehab for weeks!"

Finally, the sound of the engines grew louder as all four monsters whizzed across the finish line. Midnight trotted up to Jaypaw and gave him the results to announce.

"And I've just got the results in from Midnight! In first place with a time of 5 minutes and 43 seconds was Windclan! In second place with a time of 5 minutes 52 seconds was Riverclan! In third place with a time of 5 minutes and 58 seconds was…Thunderclan! And that means that in last place with a time of 6 minutes and 4 seconds is Shadowclan!"

Many cats were cheering, some were complaining and the medicine cats were loading Blackstar onto a makeshift wooden stretcher as he ranted about 'if I ever hear a radio again, I'll go insane' and Mothwing just replied,

"Mate, you already have!"

The mechanics set about fixing the monsters as they prepared for the next challenge- the hill climb!

_A/N- Now please please please review if you want to know what happens next- if you do you also get a free melon!_

_you don't actually get a free melon._


	10. The InterClan Hill Climb

_A/N- OKay, new chappie up, and no offence to anyone who's gay, by the way, the joke in here is just some on-going joke that someone thought up at school and i thought i'd put it in. Special thanks to all my reviewers, of course, and finally, i know this chapter's short, but i didn't have many ideas for it, but i've got tons for the next part! So, until then...enjoy, and don't forget to review, your comments are always appreciated!_

_Disclaimer- I don't own warriors, Porsche, Jazz FM or Kalashnikov._

**The Great Inter-Clan Rally Part III**

It was a week later and all the monsters had been restored to working order. Blackstar was still in his psychotherapy classes- 'learning to deal with classical music'- and thus, Russetfur was in charge of Shadowclan.

Now it was time for the hill climb. The clans would race their monsters to be the first one to the top off the hill in Windclan territory. And, naturally, there was also going to be sabotage.

Blackstar could no longer drive a monster, so it was up to Russetfur to drive this time. Also, Leopardstar, Onestar and on this occasion, Berrypaw, would be driving.

As the cats revved the engines of their monsters, Honeypaw turned to Hollypaw and meowed,

"Right, Hollz, listen up, like! It's like, we just had to sabotage those monsters, innit? So guess what, I rewired Windclan's gearbox, y'know, so now their 1st gear's reverse, their reverse is 5th gear, and all the others 'av been jumbled up too, like. An' we tuned Shadowclan's radio to Jazz FM, coz Russetfur hates jazz music and it's one a them runnin' gags, innit? Like on da box!"

"I hear ya, Honz, but watta ya dun about Riverclan? We hav' to stick it ta Leopardstar before the next challenge, coz she's also their mechanic, and next up we've got the lake-going-across test!"

"Yeah, I got Stormfur to shove a mouse up their exhaust pipe, so it'll go bang! But, Hollz, I gotta question for ya. Well, Jayzy, he like reckons ya got da hots for Bezza! Issit true, y'know?!"

"Bezza?! Hell no! Don't'cha know he's, like, gay?"

"Bezza's gay?! But he went out wiv Hezza behind Lioney's back!"

As the two apprentices gossiped to each other, the chequered flag was waved by Stoneteller from the Tribe of Rushing Water, standing in as adjudicator while Midnight the Badger had flu.

The race began and Riverclan's exhaust pipe exploded.

Windclan's monster sped off backwards and into the lake.

Shadowclan's driver screamed and shot the radio in the Porsche with a stolen Kalashnikov.

Berrypaw's phone rang and he didn't start the monster.

"Heya peeps! Wassup?"

"Bezza! It's Hollz here! Are you, like, gay? Coz Honz sed you was, an I was like, 'no, he's not' and she was like, 'well he is!', an I wanna know if it's true, y'know, innit?"

"Nah man, I'm not gay, it's like, coz I went out with Heatherpaw, innit?"

"Hang on, I'll just tell Honz!"…"She's sez 'well 'ure technically gay'!"

"Tell 'er she's biologically gay!"

"She sez 'ure physically gay!"

This argument went on for a long time until Hollypaw's phone credit ran out and the call was cut off. Just then, Berrypaw realised he had to do the race and sped off the start line, two hours too late. However, he then went on to win, as none of the other teams had managed to reach the top.

Riverclan's exhaust pipe was still being mended.

Windclan's monster was still in the lake.

Shadowclan's Porsche had stopped working when Russetfur's shot had missed and blown up part of it's workings and not the radio.

And, finally, it had eventually been decided that Berrypaw was not gay, and that Lionpaw, who had told Honeypaw that Berrypaw was, had just made it up because he was still sore about the whole 'Heatherpaw' thing.


	11. The InterClan Aquatic Monsters Challenge

_A/N- This is the FINAL chapter of Warriors Driving Lessons, and if you want a sequel, i want LOTS of reviews! MUAHAHAHAHA! Cough cough. Go check out the poll on my profile page, please. I just put it there as well and it would be awesome if you went and voted. Yeah! Go vote!_

_Oh and i always thought Russetfur was a tom, until i looked on the internet and found she was a girl, so um, that's why she's referred to as 'he' at the start and 'she' at the end. Sorry!_

_Ah! Russetfur! No! OW! Help! Ah! Youch! Help me! Russetfur's...Ah! No! Ah! He's...no SHE'S!...Ah! Stop! No! Ah! OW! Ow!_

_Ahem, sorry about that. Russetfur just... least said about that the better, eh?_

_Anyway, you've got a special EXTRA LONG EDITION this time, as it's the final chapter, and i had the day off school 'cause i hurt my fingers. Yay._

_Disclaimer- I don't own Warriors, Top Gear, Blackadder, Volvo, Porsche, Kalashnikov, Baywatch, Nintendo, RAZRs, Mario & Sonic or About You Now. If i did, i wouldn't be writing these, i'd be so rich i wouldn't have to bother. And i'd have the real thing and wouldn't have to write a disclaimer anyway._

The Great Inter-Clan Rally Tournament- Part IV

"…_And some say all his potted plants are called 'Steve'…All we know is, he's called The Stig...!"_

Stormfur was watching Top Gear on his stolen television set, and loving every minute of it.

He was the one who was going to be driving across the lake, as he used to be in Riverclan, so by some strange random quirk in the New Totally Awesomez Clan Lore, Like, Innit? it made him 'eligible' to drive across a lake. So he'd also been doing swimming lessons and watching Baywatch, along with repeatedly doing the 100m Freestyle swimming on Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games on his stolen Nintendo Wii.

He hadn't had to fix the Volvo this time, because Berrypaw hadn't made a mess of it, but he'd still had to wait a week for all the other clans to fix their monsters and get ready. Hollypaw had stolen some hot pink lifejackets for the clans, and everyone but Shadowclan had accepted them. Shadowclan would be going without lifejackets, because they said they were far too masculine for hot pink ones- even the she-cats.

This time, apart from Stormfur: Leopardstar, Breezepaw and Russetfur would be driving.

After last time, Russetfur's Kalashnikov had been confiscated by his clan, and replaced with a smaller handgun instead. In fact, every cat in Shadowclan had a gun- even the kits, who'd been given cap-guns to use, and the apprentices, who had pellet guns. Of course, all the other clans disapproved, as they did not endorse the use of guns.

Brook walked in to the warriors den and up to Stormfur's nest. Angrily, she grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. Stormfur leapt to his paws and span around.

"What did you do that for? I was watching that!"

"Stormfur! We have an hour until sunhigh! You still have to convert the monster to make it aquatic! All the other clans started hours ago!"

Stormfur pelted past Brook so fast that her fur blew in the breeze he created, and all she could see was a greyish blur.

By sunhigh, all the monsters had been converted to aquatic vehicles, and the clans were ready to go. All the monsters would start five foxlengths from the water's edge and drive into the lake, then across to the other side.

Riverclan had attached several rubber dinghies to the sides of their monster with rope and were going to use those to keep it afloat. They would move using two apprentices in the water, pushing the back forwards.

Shadowclan had completely converted theirs into a speedboat and weren't quite sure how to get it off the starting line, until Russetfur suggested that they get all the apprentices to shove it from the back. The apprentices groaned, but there was nothing they could do about it, so they all sat there, saving their strength for 'the big push'.

Windclan had decided to use wind power and had attached a mast and sail to their monster, leaving the convertible roof down. They were planning to sail across the lake, powered by the wind they were named after. And if there wasn't a breeze, well, they'd been feeding all the apprentices cold beans. Enough said about their plan.

Thunderclan, due to their limited amount of time, had nicked an idea straight from Top Gear, and had done a Jeremy Clarkson- Stormfur had just shoved a giant outboard motor on the back and was going to go across the lake as fast as he could.

With all the monsters ready and waiting, Stoneteller once again waved the chequered flag, as Midnight the Badger had recovered from her flu, but had now come down with a severe case of mumps instead, and the monsters sped into the lake. Well, most of the monsters. Shadowclan's apprentices were pushing as hard as they could, but it still only moved a mousetail a minute. It would take them an hour at this rate.

But Shadowclan had a plan. They knew their main rivals were Riverclan, what with them liking water and everything. So, from his cab, Russetfur rolled down his electric windows and leaned out of one with his handgun. He rapidly fired off six shots, hitting and deflating all of Riverclan's dinghies.

As the Riverclan cats inflated their hot pink lifejackets to make an escape as their monster sank, Russetfur fired again, and deflated all the lifejackets. The Riverclan cats were forced to swim as fast as they could back to the shore.

Another part of Shadowclan's plan was sabotaging Thunderclan. Russetfur had had a very cunning plan for this (and had clearly been watching too much Blackadder).

_An hour earlier…_

'…_now I know, how I feel, about you now…"_

The apprentice flipped open her RAZR.

"Heyaz! Oo 'iz this?"

"Hello, Hollypaw. This is Russetfur here, the Shadowclan lead- I mean, deputy."

"Shadowclanerz! I'll batter ya if ya come near me! You'd be dead, innit!"

"I have a proposition for you."

"Watizit? Watcha want? Issit somethink good, like?"

"I have a very sexy Shadowclan tom here. An apprentice. He says he'll go out with you if you help us."

"Sexy! An' 'e sez 'e'll go out wiv me? Oh my Starclan! Yessssssss! Just ya wait until Bezza hearz 'bout this!"

"Don't you want to know what you'll have to do?"

"Oh, yez. Kk. Come on then!"

"We want you to put the small bomb we will deliver to you, into Thunderclan's engine. That way we can blow the monster up and win the race."

"Blowz it up! Nah wayz man! I can't do that's to ma brethren, innit?!"

"Remember the sexy tom…"

"Oh, yeah. Iz 'e black?"

"Plain black."

"Oh yez! I'm in there! Kk. I'll plant ya bomb. Just hook me up wiv da tom, alrigh'?"

"Very well. Goodbye, Hollypaw."

"See yaz, innit!"

The phones disconnected, and then Hollypaw went to ring Berrypaw, as soon as she'd got some credit off her mum.

_An hour later…_

Tawnypelt leaned over to Tallpoppy and asked,

"Can I borrow your RAZR?"

"Of course."

Tallpoppy handed over the phone and Tawnypelt dialled Russetfur's number.

She answered from within the Porsche.

"Hello?"

"Hello, it's Tawnypelt here. My RAZR ran out of battery and it's on charge. Is everything going according to plan?"

"Yes, it's fine. I rang Hollypaw an hour ago and made the deal. She's sabotaged the monster."

"Good, very good."

"Yes, it is an _excellent_ plan."

"So how exactly did you get Hollypaw's number in the first place?"

"It was easy. Remember Lionpaw and Heatherpaw's little incident with the melon?"

"Oh, yes. That was funny!" Tawnypelt sniggered.

"Well I got it then."

"Oh, alright. Are you sure she planted the bomb?"

"Of course. Otherwise I wouldn't hook her up with the 'sexy tom'!"

Both cats laughed evilly. You don't want to know who the 'sexy tom' _really_ was.

From within the Porsche, Russetfur pressed a button on a small remote and there was a small explosion in the Thunderclan engine. The Volvo began to sink.

"Oh dear! It looks like Thunderclan had a little accident!" Russetfur laughed manically, but oozing charm and sophistication at the same time.

Both cats were laughing as the phones disconnected.

As Stormfur climbed out the Volvo and inflated his hot pink lifejacket, a gunshot rang out from the Porsche and his jacket deflated. Like the Riverclan cats, Stormfur was forced to swim back to shore.

Only Windclan were now left to sabotage, and Russetfur had yet another cunning plan (and her Blackadder DVDs confiscated). The Shadowclan deputy leaned out of her window and shot the Windclan sail and mast to pieces, before leaning back inside again and rolling up the window. She blew the smoke from her gun coolly and spun it round her finger, like in the westerns she'd also been watching (and had confiscated too).

By now, all the other clans were thoroughly annoyed with Shadowclan, especially Hollypaw (do NOT ask about her and the 'sexy tom'!), so they all decided to band together and sabotage Shadowclan.

The Shadowclan apprentices were still pushing the Porsche speedboat towards the lake, when Hollypaw, Honeypaw, Heatherpaw and Minnowpaw sidled up to them. All three of the Shadowclan apprentices were toms and started to hyperventilate when they saw the she-cats.

"Hello, boys," meowed Minnowpaw, silkily.

One of the Shadowclan toms fainted.

"Why don't you go rest a while? We'll push the monster. Don't worry about us. It'll be our pleasure," Honeypaw said, irresistibly.

The remaining two toms nodded enthusiastically and dragged their friend away.

The four she-cats pulled out their tools they'd had hidden behind their backs and set to work drilling holes in the bottom of the Porsche's hull, whilst the others kept pushing it.

Eventually, they pushed it into the lake and Russetfur revved the engine, and then started to speed across the water. She was halfway across the lake when the Porsche sank and, because all of Shadowclan had refused the hot pink lifejackets, she was forced to screech and splash around until Nightcloud and Crowfeather came to rescue her in a stolen twoleg boat, which Leafpool promptly sank, and so Leopardstar had to rescue the others.

So in the end, it was Thunderclan and Windclan who won the tournament, as they were the only ones to actually win any events. Thunderclan won the hill climb, and Windclan had won the time-trials. However, Firestar and Onestar, being so competitive against each other, both argued that their clans should win overall, and started to tear each other's fur out over it. The rest of the clans sat back and watched, the toms cheering,

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" and the she-cats just relaxing on sun loungers.

In the end, both cats fainted from lack of blood and all the cats went home for cappuccinos.

Since all the monsters had been lost in the lake, the clans decided at the next gathering that they would drive them no more, and all got bicycles instead.

Let the chaos continue…in your imagination!

THE END!


End file.
